Surgerical Procedure

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Sorry I’ve been silent for a while. I did something last week that should have been done five years ago. I had a new port implanted last Wednesday afternoon for my monthly infusions. My sister, Janice, went with me last week to the local hospital. I admit I was a bit nervous about the procedure beforehand. As much as I hate the idea of surgery, it was time to take some type of action.

The surgerical procedure itself seemed to go very well according to the surgeon. The port is directly under my neck (high above the chest area) on the right side. The surgeon explained it is attached to a major artery to the heart. A good thing when getting infusions and wanting them to take affect quicker.

Some discomfort and soreness which I’m told by a chemo nurse will go away within two weeks. The infusions this week were less painful and easier, as well as shortening the time to find a vein that was accessible. In the past, sometimes that took up to an hour for nurses to find a good vein in my arms or hands. After several months of this, I realize the arms and hands are tired.

The stitches come out tomorrow afternoon. I’m hoping all goes well tomorrow as the infusions did yesterday and today. Next, I want to research to find a doctor who is familiar and experienced with the cellular structure of autoimmune disorders. I hope and pray for a reversal of this disease everyday.

Everyone, have a good week and whatever you do, make it work for you. Please feel free to drop me a line or two.

Happy Mother’s Day

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Tomorrow represents one of my favorite holidays. It is a time to acknowledge all the mothers in the world. Many families have family parties, picnics and social events in celebration of this special day.

My mother is still living and still active today. She tops the list at 86 years old, soon to be 87 this coming July 5th. I realize time is limited for my mother on this earth, but I cherish each and every day she is alive.

In dedication to my mother, I say thanks for continuing to give and to love. You are among one of the most beautiful women in heart and soul in this world. In abundance appreciation, I love you bunches.

 

Healing Old Wounds

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How do we heal old wounds? I’m not talking about physical “scars,” but those internal scars that don’t seem to heal over time. Emotional scars that have existed over thirty, forty, even fifty or more years. The experts say that “Time heals all wounds,” but I have found that not necessarily true. Some wounds are embedded far within the surface for nearly the person’s lifetime. The wounds go incredibly deep and are so internalized, that they magnify when they reach the surface. A fragile and delicate soul is intertwined with a bleeding heart within. Yet, I have to wonder, is it old wounds of hurt, of regret, or of disappointment invading the person?

The answer goes back to the primary source of the emotional or mental pain itself. Is the conflict the person encountered actual self-denial strategies from the beginning, thinking the problem would go away by itself? By this, the person merely denies the problem. “If the problem isn’t discussed, it simply doesn’t exist” type attitude. Is it a continuing struggle with one ‘self’ in conquering the problem? Is it a more a sense of control? Is it fear of losing someone or something? Or could it be that the wounds remained dormant over time and manifested “festered” outwardly much later?

Life isn’t easy and no one said it was ever fair. Coping mechanisms with stresses of life can help when the person encounters more challenging times in today’s society. But do we really know when healing takes place? More so, do we know how to heal wholly and is there such a thing as healing completely internally? Continue reading

Wounded Heart in Flight

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Wounded Heart in Flight” has gone international this month. The London International Book Fair is on this month. It lasts through the end of April. You can review the book on the bookshelves and purchase it. The book is in the English language only in the U.K. I’m entertaining thoughts to have it translated into other languages one day.

It received an excellent rating by both publisher and readers. A novel written by me with a lineage of Native American ancestry. The main character is a young woman with Cherokee roots from the Midwest Territory, whom finds forgiveness with devastating events in her life. The book reflects the gift of healing and cleansing the earth of bad spirits. The land evolves, bringing prosperity and happiness to those surrounding the main character. The wolf symbolizes peace and comfort, while the eagle symbolizes the spirit freeing itself.

Frustrations in Writing and Publishing

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There have been some comments on the online bookstore about the bird on the front cover of my first book. I’m hearing all the noise. To answer your inquiries, that is a cardinal. A Scarlet Tanager is a type of cardinal. The only difference is that the Scarlet Tanager has black-winged tips and a black beak. It has no crown like the Red Cardinal. The book was published nearly three years ago in the summer of 2013. Due to copyrights and printing issues, a cardinal was the closest thing I could find to the bird. If you read the book, it will explain that and give the description in the last chapter. Continue reading

Dust In the Wind – Literally, That Is

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I had infusions yesterday and today. It becomes old after awhile. It seems that the infusions will continue every 4 weeks without interruptions. I wait patiently for a cure or a reversal of this disease, while deep inside I know there is none. “It is what it is” as the doctor says. I look for alternate treatments for this autoimmune disorder, but it takes time to find them.

I sense a real purpose in the events that have happened these last six years. One thing I have done productively these last few years is write. Writing for pleasure, writing for enjoyment and fun, writing to lift me up spiritually and emotionally. It is much like therapy. I write to deal with all my pain and hurts of the past, to which I say “dust in the wind.”

Over the last few days, my spirit has come alive. I find myself suddenly flooded with happiness and glee. My ‘demons’ inside have left and I am spiritually free. My depression has lifted. I no longer feel self-pity for myself. There is a wanting to move forward with life, no matter the circumstances. Despite health challenges, I have my life and family to be grateful for.

This is advice to anyone who will listen. Enjoy your life while you can. Travel, go see your loved ones, family or friends while you can. It is important to keep balance in your life. It helps to mentally keep focused and to stay happy. Life will pass you by if you don’t. An all too important lesson learned. I’m appreciative I had the chance to travel and visit places that I am unable to now.

Wishing you all happiness and success through life. May you find the inner peace you are looking for. Peace of mind will come with accepting conditions to where healing can take place. It has taken me years to find this inner peace, but I feel confident it is there now.

 

 

Storms of Life

I am in midst of another storm in life. Life has seemed to be stressful lately. I see my elderly parents, well into their 80’s now, as fragile and immortal ‘beings’ on this planet. A once strong and empowered mother, is now the victim of her age and senility. My six-foot father shows his age physically with a deteriorated and weaker body. It makes me wonder what will happen when they both pass this earth.

I became a stronger person when I divorced many years ago. I learned to be independent and work for a living. I earned a doctorate degree and obtained a well-earned retirement by age 52. Maybe bragging on myself, but I have accomplished some things I feel I wouldn’t have done if still married. I had all the comforts of home then and a husband that could financially support me. I wanted more and my own identity for some reason.

At times, I just want to cry. It wouldn’t solve the problem, but would make me feel a hell of a lot better. Over the past couple of months, our mother hasn’t been feeling good. We know the difference. Scared that she has suffered another stroke, my sister tried to get her into the car this morning to take her to her doctor. My mother would not budge. I am waiting on the doctor to call back to see the next step.

It is terrible to see your aging parents medically ill. My beloved mother, who is normally a bright and positive person, is now determined to stay away from doctors and the hospital at all costs. I feel helpless that I can not help her – physically that is. She has gone to medical clinics and doctors who say her medicine is okay and she is cleared of infection. I am really concerned of her refusal to seek medical help at this time.

In the midst of this storm, I am getting medical tests of my own this week. There is far too much pollen in the air, which hinders breathing. Doctors are not sure why I am short of breath, but I believe it has something to do with the high pollen count at this time of year. Georgia is probably the worst state to live in during springtime if one suffers from seasonal allergies. I am one of those people.

Hope everyone has a good week with lots of sunshine and warmth. Spring is definitely here now!

A Rainy Easter

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It is a rainy and cloudy Easter Sunday. Hope everyone is enjoying the weekend. The grounds are wet, yet a day to celebrate the holiday. Hopefully, it will wash some of this pollen away. Yesterday, the book sale went well and smooth. There was slight rain in the late afternoon, but overall a good day. I enjoyed my uncle’s company. He is always one to make me feel better, like my own father. My uncle has an impressive history of writing, artworks, dancing, musical and multi-talented in many areas. Thanks to David, the store clerk, that made me laugh and smile yesterday.

Truthfully, I felt at odds yesterday. I had called a close relative (I refer to her) yesterday morning to get help for my aging father. He is a little overwhelmed at this time as my mother is physically ill right now. An all too real conclusion that one’s parents don’t live forever. We, as human beings, are all aging and will pass this earth someday. We are not eternal and our bodies are not made to live forever. We are not machines; our bodies just weren’t designed for that.

I felt like I was being challenged yesterday. Instead of trying to help my parents, I felt I was thrown under a bus (not literally). This relative said hurtful and mean things, as she has done before in the past. It really started a few months ago when my parents had a flat tire on their car. It was stupid, an accident, and could have been avoided, but the sparks have escalated. After a few minutes of talking about our mother, the conversation led to I have a “book that wouldn’t sell.” Ouch! I have written several books so I don’t know which one she is referring to. The other thing was coming away with a very negative feeling. I have always tried to stay positive, even in more challenging times.

I want to tell her (as well as others) that you didn’t kill my spirit. I have felt all my life that people have tried to kill my spirit – happiness that is. Well, it didn’t work. I felt bad for her when I left home, but my heart told me differently. Something inside told me it was going to be okay and I did nothing wrong. I had this book sale scheduled for two weeks and posted in the local newspaper. I wanted to tell her to go jump in the lake yesterday, but I didn’t. Instead, I told her I was hanging up the phone. She says things that she doesn’t know what she is talking about. But more than that, it is none of her business.

You can’t go through life feeling so negative about things all the time. It will drive you crazy and miserable. I always felt she to be a sweet and loving person. I didn’t feel that way yesterday; quite the opposite. I didn’t feel her Christian love either. I didn’t feel support from her and actually felt rejected. I guess it did hurt my feelings. She needs to understand something. Life has its ups and downs. Learning how to cope with those extremes is the tool to happiness. There will always be stressful moments for everyone in life. The real test is not putting oneself in those situations in the first place.

I think if we are doing our best in life, that is the key to restoration in our hearts. Always strive to be happy in life. A high school student told me that one time. Learn to reach for God’s peace and love. Smile, even though you don’t feel like smiling. If stressed, seek guidance through His word. Don’t preach to others, but live through Him. In other words, practice what you preach. If I don’t feel or see it in you, how can I believe you?Β  Remember, sometimes you can’t take back what you say. A lesson learned many years ago. If you are learning with experience, than you have done well.

As far as my writing, I put my frustrations and challenges into my writing. It is therapy for me in so many ways. I write for enjoyment, not for the money or how many books I sell. It should always be for the enjoyment and fun, otherwise it becomes a chore. We are always presented with challenges in life. Mine seem to be medical and physical. I have always had medical challenges in life. I have become disabled over the past five to six years through autoimmune complications, but I do not let it get me down. Instead, I write rather than sit in self-pity.

The other lesson is not to cross me or you will be written about. (just kidding) Seriously, yesterday I was very angry and pissed off, but today I am okay. I am a bit overly sensitive due to my background. Stay cool everyone and have a blessed Easter Sunday.