Sometimes I feel defeated in this old world. My body is tired and fatigued, my joints are painful and I feel I’m getting sicker and weaker, not better. Moreso, I have a bruised heart, a fragile state of being. I feel alone sometimes, without the hope of my own family and spouse. Being divorced and childless is not all cracked up to what it implies. It means more independence, but it also can be full of lonliness and solitude.

I have found in my older adult years, that life can still be difficult. I’m blessed to be alive; I get it. However, I would rather be healthy and have a better quality of life. My last nine years have been full of ups and downs, like many of us. Yet, my journey in life has produced a sad outcome for me. Does the physical pain and suffering ever go away? I ask God when is He going to heal me. Sometimes I get an answer, sometimes not.

Doctors seem reluctant to perform surgery due to my autoimmune condition. I’ve seen several doctors in the past that tell me I’m a complicated case. I would be a high-risk candidate for surgery or the surgery might fail to work. I saw an orthopedic specialist at Emory last week about my feet and ankles. The surgeon told me he could do surgery, but not without risks. It gave me some hope, at least. I have an appointment with another orthopedic surgeon at St. Joseph’s Hospital in two weeks. I wanted to get a second opinion before considering any surgery.  My fears are that the surgery will not change anything and my feet will invert back due to the neuro-muscular issues.

My neurologist at Emory is adding more treatments this month. That is what the Augusta neurologist in my medical study advised six months ago. I’m hoping and praying it will improve my quality of life, as well as my overall health. So, I will continue to pray for my healing and a miracle, but I haven’t seen too many miracles lately. I’m not being pessimistic, just realistic at this point. I do pray that I can sort this all out in my head and make a final decision. Five years ago, I came to the conclusion to not have surgery on my feet.  I wanted more time to think about it. Now it is almost inevitable as big calluses are painful on both feet due to pressure, especially on my left foot.

Please pray that I make the right decision and let God select the right surgeon, if that is the case. My health and maybe even my life hangs in the balance. A frightening, but a legitmate concern of mine. A time to reflect back on good times and memories of the past.  I feel very blessed to have support of friends and family. I feel grateful to have this blog to express my feelings and emotions; to reflect on my writings.