Over the past few months, I have missed blogging. I’m trying to write weekly now, if not daily. I must admit I’ve been in a fog for over a week and an emotional roller-coaster. Truth is, I had a (pretty) bad medical report last week; one I wish I hadn’t heard. The doctor was sincere I feel. I asked him not to sugar-coat anything. Another specialist at Emory and another opinion. I get sick of opinions, but this one I have to agree with. The doctor feels my disease is worsening and is progressive. Any attempts at surgery wouldn’t work due to nature of the disease. I’m basically stuck, where I am, in a dilemma of medical science and seeking a medical cure or a reversal of this debilitating disease.
Problem is, there is none known in the medical field. I’m anticipating a contact for the LEMS study soon, but have yet to hear back from the program director. As a doctor told me once a few years ago, consider yourself disabled the rest of your life. I consider myself fortunate not to be bed-ridden or getting infusions weekly, although I get them monthly. It is a little discouraging at best, yet I’ve tried to stay positive. I sound like a broken record right now, but I am gradually losing hope for the future. It is a terrible place to be in. While I don’t want pity or sympathy, I do need an outlet; otherwise, I would sit in self-pity.
Writing has become an outlet, one I can self-medicate myself. It is a type of self-therapy. One of the primary reasons I first started writing four years ago, as well as closure to personal issues in my life. It was a channel to search for answers. It keeps my mind off my health problems and my chronic pain. Believe me, I would rather be enjoying a day at the mountains nearby or the park. I love natural scenery and places. The sun is out today and lovely, bright and sunny. One of the few days we have had this week without an overcast and dark clouds.
I am blessed to have family close by, one I can seek comfort in. They have been supportive all these years. My family keeps me going and yet, I seek another source. I feel it is all in God’s hands. Only He can open those doors, health-wise and through my books. I believe He wants a stronger relationship with me. That has been one of the purposes of my illness(es).
While I do not want sadness, I do want compassion and understanding. These are challenging times. I have never felt so much stress as now. At times, I want to ask, “Where are you God?” I do feel His presence and feel His strength. I have no other choice, but to rely on Him, and yet one day I feel He will heal me completely and I will be whole again.
In closure, have a wonderful Memorial weekend and holiday. Share time with your family and friends. Enjoy the fellowship and praise God for another day. Reflect on the good things in life: happiness, love and laughter. None of us know the time we have left on this earth.