I’m at a crossroads right now and ready to cry. After four days of being bedridden, I’m finally getting over a reaction to infusions somewhat. This is probably the longest and worst I’ve felt for a while in several years. I’m hoping for a solution this coming Thursday when I visit my neurologist.
My sister emailed me the other day and said to be careful with my words, the negative words from discouragement, disappointment and anxiety. I can’t help but feel the negativity that comes with this chronic illness. It has been a long drawn-out process, that will probably be with me the rest of my life.
Life should become easier with years, yet, sometimes it tends to go the other way. No one wants to hear about suffering but it is what I live with on a daily basis now. If I wasn’t brought up on Christian values and beliefs, I would ask if I should even be here on earth or not. I am grateful to be alive, believe me, but it makes me want to question the whole purpose of my life. More so I want to know if there is a God, why so much pain or suffering in the world?
I was told as a child not to question God’s existence, judgement or Him. Am I so wrong to question after five years of unanswered prayers, healing services, prayer requests, disappointment and of wanting answers beyond the obvious? As individuals, we have free will but why can’t I say, “I’ve had enough, Lord; enough is enough!” I am discouraged, very discouraged at this point, after being positive for so long. I see no healing intervention or even getting better as an option right now. I’m careful not to put this into words as the mind is powerful. It believes the words you speak.
I am not speaking from an intellectual level but as an individual who has run out of patience. I’m tired of waiting for a miracle. How many “actual” miracles are seen today – few and far between. I get tired of hearing, “It will get better,” “Move on with your life,” or “Others are far worse than you.” I don’t want to be patronized either. Please don’t make me feel worse than I already do.
My positivity is wearing down to a feeling of “Why even bother?” pursuing treatments. I feel a little defeated, let down and really low right now. Sadly, if I don’t shake this negative feeling soon, I fear it will consume me to a paranoid fear of death and my own mortality. Have you ever felt this way?