I live with the harsh reality that life isn’t always fair at times. These days, I have good and bad days. Some days, I don’t feel like getting out of bed due to physical weakness. Other days, it is hard to stand up due to chronic pain in my joints. Yet, some days I shake so badly (tremors) in the hands, I can’t even hold a coffee cup. Right now, I feel good due to increased frequency and dosage of infusions (a form of chemo) the end of last month. I should have had my treatments increased months ago to an adequate dosage but didn’t. My neurologist tells me my autoimmune has become worse this year. My breathing pattern is more pronounced and my energy level isn’t there at this time. I’m easily fatigued and exhausted.
The autoimmune complications (LEMS) will probably kill me someday but I am not looking at that. I still have a lot of life yet. I live day by day, maintaining an open mind and positive attitude. I started writing two years ago to vent my frustrations due to health issues. I realize most people don’t want to hear it, but it needs to be said. The psychological damage a serious, chronic illness does on an individual is different from a tragic or emotional event. Anybody that begs to differ doesn’t know what he or she is talking about.
Some days I need to vent these frustrations. When I feel bad, it is reflective in my writing I’ve noticed. I can only write what I feel. Life has so much beauty in this world. It is for the taking. It can also be cruel at the same time. It is normal to want to whine and complain at times but I’m here to tell you, thank your lucky stars. There is nothing wrong with venting and we often are forgetful of physical pain. We concentrate on emotional or mental pain, but neglect our bodies. My body wants to scream sometimes and I want to say, “Why me Lord?” It is there, it happened and there’s nothing to change it but prayer.
Forgive others and those that wronged you but most of all, forgive yourself. Concentrate on living life, family and friends. They are your true heroes. Don’t get caught up in self-doubt, disbelief or lack of confidence. Stay away from negativity and negative people as much as possible. That is what keeps me going. Believe in yourself and no matter what anybody says, don’t ever give up. I’ve had to mentally block out what my neurologist and oncologist tell me. Always go for your dreams in life. Tell yourself everyday, “I will, I can” dream big and will not take second best. Give God thanks for changing you inside and all He is going to do for you.